How do you know your marriage is really over? This is the question that can keep a lot of people in unhappy marriages up at night – and stuck in place.
Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert and psychologist, has identified four indicators that a relationship is doomed, and he dubbed them the “Four Horsemen” after the images that are supposed to herald the Apocalypse.
Criticism
This involves one spouse attacking the character of the other, rather than addressing behavioral issues through appropriate complaints. For example, your spouse might say, “You never remember anything important to me because you’re just thoughtless,” instead of saying, “I am really frustrated that you keep leaving the kitchen a disaster after you cook.”
Criticism often includes words like “you always,” or “you never,” and it generalizes or demonizes the targeted spouse.
Contempt
This is considered the biggest predictor of divorce because it signals long-term negative feelings are creeping to the surface. Contempt is full-blown disrespect from one spouse to another, and it can involve name-calling, eye-rolling, sarcasm or even the use of a superior or mocking tone. For example, responding to a spouse’s desire to go out with a comment like, “Of course you want to go out again. Anything to avoid dealing with your responsibilities or a chance to spend my money!”
Contempt indicates a loss of respect in your relationship – and it can be contagious from one spouse to another.
Defensiveness
It’s natural to be defensive when you feel attacked, but this kind of defensiveness is a total lack of accountability by one spouse – who often deflects (or projects) blame on the other so that they can “play the victim.”
For example, if you say to your spouse, “I’m upset at the way you treated my friends,” your spouse might respond, “What? You’re choosing them over me? You don’t care about my feelings at all, do you?” Defensiveness prevents productive communication and problem-solving.
Stonewalling
This is when one spouse withdraws from the other either physically or emotionally. They may do it because they feel overwhelmed by conflict – or they may be doing it to manipulate and punish their partner with the “silent treatment.”
This is different than communicating the need to take a break and looks more like one spouse simply walking away from the other during an argument.
If you recognize these four issues in your relationship, it may be time to seek more information about your divorce options.